Singular Vision for the Divorced Parent

   

  Ever wonder what would happen if you suddenly, tragically lost the sight in one of your eyes?  It would be horrible, right?  You would look at the whole world differently, literally.  There would be much adjustment necessary, but you would make those adjustments.  You might think that you wouldn't be able to see as well.  However, I want to challenge you that through your remaining eye, you would see more clearly than ever.  Your vision would be much more focused and intentional. You would be very aware at all times of exactly what you're seeing, and where you're going.  Much better way of dealing with the loss of that one eye, rather than spend the rest of your life lamenting your loss, and how much worse your life will be without it, right?  Besides, eye patches are kinda cool, in a pirate sorta way!
     I would venture to say that we have the same choice when we find ourselves divorced, and dealing with the loss of a spouse.  Yes, we have lost something vital and precious, but our family, our children still desperately need us to lead them with passion.  We still have to have vision for our lives, and for our family.  Proverbs 29:18 says, "Without vision, the people perish..."  Replace "the people" with your family. Without vision, your family will perish.  Yes, it's THAT important to maintain a clear sense of the direction that God is leading you in. 
     Is your family vision going to change now that you're divorced?  Maybe, maybe not.  It is different for each family.  What's important is that you desperately seek the Lord, asking Him for direction for this chapter of your life.  He may give you a completely different direction in life, or he may tell you to hold the course.  In some ways, it will have to change, because there are things you can't pursue as a single person that would require a spouse to fulfill the vision.  For me, our family mission statement did not change when my wife and I separated 2 years ago, eventually divorcing, but my vision for what God is calling me to did change. 
     Let me explain, and hopefully the example of my life and my family will give you a bit of insight as to where I'm coming from, and where I'm going with this.  Our family mission statement was: "Love God, Love others, the rest is just details!"  That is still the mission statement that myself, my daughters, and my son live by.  It is based on the 1st and 2nd greatest commandments according to Christ - "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength, and love your neighbor as yourself."  And in my family, we go by the story of the Good Samaritan when considering who our neighbor is.  That has not changed.  However, my vision for what God is calling me to has changed drastically.  Over the past 6 months, I have felt God strongly leading me down a path of discipling, and ministering to single fathers.  With a cumulative total of 9 years of being a single father to 3 children, and making many mistakes, and learning much along the way, I feel absolutely certain that He wants to use my life to minister to others who find themselves in the same boat and need encouragement, support, and solidarity.  That is entirely different than the vision I had when I was married, but in many ways, I feel as though this chapter of my life will be much more powerful than before.  I'm not "kind of" sure about what He wants me to do.  I'm crystal clear that this is my calling, my "Chazown" (the Hebrew word for vision).
     What about you?  I would strongly encourage you not to give up hope!  Just because you are missing something you thought would always be there, does not mean that all is lost.  Don't make the mistake I did at first, wandering aimlessly for years, wondering just what exactly life was all about anymore, simply reacting to life as it happened around me.  Press in close to your heavenly Father, seek him desperately, as though your next breath depended on it.  He will comfort you, He will guide you, He will give you direction, and He will give you peace that passes all understanding.  But most importantly, He will give you a vision for your life, and for your family, a vision that will give you hope again, and something to live for, to live by, and to look forward to with excitement every day!  Your children are looking to you today for passionate leadership. Now is the time!  What is your "Chazown?"

Alone For The Holidays....

 The alternate title to this post was, "The Christmas season - It's not always eggnog and carols."  I'd like to talk a bit about how the Christmas season affects single dads who won't get to spend Christmas with their children. For many folks with families, this season is an extremely joyous time of year.  However, for single fathers, this season can be a sharply painful time emotionally.  It seems that the Christmas season tends to magnify whatever is going on in your life.  If things are going great, then the joy just seems that much more palpable and in abundance.  However, if you are struggling already, that too tends to be magnified, and this time of year can be very depressing.
     For many single fathers, this Christmas will be the first Christmas that their family is broken up and not all together for the holiday.  Many dads will miss out on seeing their children open presents on Christmas morning, and that can be very, very hard.  Some dads will be having a Christmas meal alone for the first time.  Some will be spending the entire day alone for the first time.  Some, such as myself will be fortunate and blessed to be able to spend some, or all of the day with our children.  When it comes to the holidays, it can be an emotional roller coaster for single fathers.
     However, there are some things you can do as a single dad that will help make being alone on the holidays a little easier.  Please don't misunderstand me - I'm certainly not saying that I'm about to offer you a few easy steps that will make all the pain go away.  I wish that were true - it would have saved me much heartache over many lonely Christmases.  But I do believe there are steps that you can take that will take the edge off of the pain, and make it a bit more bearable.
     First, make plans ahead of time.  Regardless of what they are, MAKE PLANS.  Whatever you do, don't let Christmas Day sneak up on you, and suddenly you have an empty day to spend with an empty heart.  Whether it's spending time with your parents and/or siblings, friends, or folks from your church, make sure you have SOMETHING to look forward to on Christmas Day.  Talk to you children's mother ahead of time, and try to arrange to be able to call and talk to your little elves on Christmas day.  If you are NICE, and sincere, chances are she'll let you.  And trust me, that may not make it all better, but it sure does help to hear their voices that day.
     Second, in the days ahead, try to stay busy.  This will help keep your mind on other things than the fact that your kiddos won't be around that day.  Get a part time job, a hobby, start working out in the evenings, become a Salvation Army bell ringer, find things to do other than sit around your house or apartment and get depressed.
     When Christmas Day does come around, one thing that REALLY helps is if you can find somewhere or some way to serve others.  This is HUGE, and helps tremendously.  One great way is to help serve the Christmas meal at a local homeless shelter. Other possibilities include local boys/girls homes, orphanages, or nursing homes.  Believe it or not, when we serve others who have very little or nothing, we are prone to forget about our problems for a while, or at the least, feel much less sorry for ourselves.  I PROMISE you, it will do your soul MUCH good and help bring about healing in your heart.
     Lastly, but most importantly, between now and Christmas Day, spend time thinking about the real reason for this season, the birth of Christ.  How amazing it is that the Creator of this universe sacrificed His only beloved son to be born into this crazy, messed up world to save us from ourselves.  Spend some time with your heavenly Father.  Ask Him for comfort, for healing, for His peace that surpasses our human understanding.  Ask Him to take you by the hand, and to walk with you through this season and this day.  I promise He will, and you WILL make it through this season and this day. 
     So, let's hear from some of you.  Any of you single/divorced dads been through Christmas Day alone?  What was it like for you?  Any of you have suggestions on how other dads can get through the day a little easier without their kiddos there?